Driver: If I drive for you, you get your money. You tell me where we start, where we're going, where we're going afterwards. I give you five minutes when we get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything a mi...
Rufus T. Firefly: [singing] If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited! I'll put my foot down, so shall it be... this is the land of the free! The last man nearly ruined this place he didn't know what to do with it. ...
Ambassador Trentino: Now will you tell me what happened on Saturday? Chicolini: I'm glad you ask me. We follow this man down to a roadhouse, and at this roadhouse he meet a married lady. Ambassador Trentino: A married lady? Chicolini: Yeah, I think i...
Michael: Maybe it was an iguana. Elliot: It was *no* iguana. Michael: Maybe, um - You know how they say there are alligators in the sewers? Gertie: Alligators in the sewers. Mary: All we're trying to say is, maybe you just probably imagined it. It ha...
General Paulus: My army is not designed for this kind of fighting. Yesterday, yet again I had to promote 25 sergeants to replace the officers shot down by the sharpshooters. Those snipers are demoralizing my people. This city is no more than a heap o...
[In the Whammy Burger] Bill Foster: Why am I calling you by your first names? I don't even know you. I still call my boss "Mister", and I've been working for him for seven years, but all of a sudden I walk in here and I'm calling you Rick and Sheila ...
[after Bill shoots the golf cart, triggering Frank's heart attack] Bill Foster: What's wrong? Frank: My - heart... Bill Foster: Well, what can I do about it? Frank: Pills... get p-pills... Bill Foster: Where are your pills? [Frank points towards the ...
Motorcycle Cop Bobbit: [Highway Patrolman, Prendergast, and Car Driver are talking in gridlocked traffic] Gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you to both return to your vehicles. Car Driver: But what about the car? Motorcycle Cop Bobbit: I'm going to...
[Coach Skip is teaching Kristofferson the rules of Whackbat] Coach Skip: Basically, there's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and a player at Whackbat. Center tagger lights a pine cone and chucks it over the basket and the whack-batte...
Private Cowboy: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical. Private Joker: What was the matter with him? Private Cowboy: He was jerkin' off ten times a day. Private Eightball: No shit. At least ten times a day. Private C...
Jack Lucas: [drunk and talking to the Pinocchio doll] You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there's two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney... and Hitler. Then there's the rest of us, he called u...
Ferris: [his recorded message for the doorbell] Who is it? [pause] Ferris: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school ab...
Cameron: [Ferris slowly pulls the Ferrari out of the garage] No! Ferris, forget it! You're just gonna have to think of somethin' else. I'm puttin' my foot down. [Ferris keeps driving] Cameron: How bout we rent a nice Cadillac? My treat! We could call...
Ninny Threadgoode: It's good to see you're so happy, and you've slimmed down quite a bit these last few weeks. Evelyn Couch: I'm just so happy, Big George and Idgie got off. I would've killed Frank Bennett if I coulda. Did anybody really think Idgie ...
Will: You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You ...
Al Neri: Our friend and associate Hyman Roth is in the news. The High Court of Israel turned down his request to live there as a returning Jew. He landed in Buenos Aires last night offering a "gift" of a million dollars if they'd let him stay. They s...
Irene Walsh: [to Rosalita] This is my supply closet. You'll find everything you need - brooms, dust pans, insect spray... I would really like the house clean when they tear it down. Clark, can you translate? Mouth: ["translating" to Rosalita] If you ...
Sam: Hey, I recognize you. Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High? Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback? Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Sam: Are you really retarded? Andrew Largeman: No. Sam: Ooh, great j...
Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver...
Gideon Largeman: [on Andrew's answering machine] Andrew, this is your father. Hello? Look, you don't call me back, so I don't know how to do this. If you're not gonna return my calls then there's no way for us to communicate... [breaks down] Gideon L...
Mark: Hey look, what do you gotta do today? Because, uh, I got you a little going away present but I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride? Andrew Largeman: Yeah, I just uh. Mark: What? Andrew Largeman: No, nothing. I just, um....
