Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.
A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of epidermis, and I thought, this must be what love feels like.
What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?
-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why I was asking.
Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.
Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.
War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.
The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.
Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.
I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.
Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?
Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.
What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.
I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined look like literature.
Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.
The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.
People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.
For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.
If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in reverse.
