She said I brought her nothing but sorrow. I replied, “Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.
My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.
It may seem strange that one with whom I had held so little communion should have so engrossed my thoughts, but benefits conferred awaken love in some minds, as surely as benefits received in others.
One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne
However, the Administration's plan to privatize Social Security will undermine retirement security for all Americans by cutting guaranteed benefits by more than 40 percent, and risky private accounts won't make up for the loss of benefits for million...
A retired teacher paid $62,000 towards her pension and nothing, yes nothing, for full family medical, dental and vision coverage over her entire career. What will we pay her? $1.4 million in pension benefits and another $215,000 in health care benefi...
President Clinton not only benefits by gay and lesbian votes, but he benefits by showing the nation that he is a strong leader who implements his beliefs, who stands firm by those who he believes are being treated unfairly, and I think people respect...
To mark the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, I wanted to launch an FDNY shirt that pays tribute to the brave first responders who, like my father, risk their lives in the line of duty on a regular basis. All of the proceeds raised from the sale of the T-...
Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.
I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.
My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.
I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.
The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.
To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.
My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.
While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?
True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.
Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
