Quotes of: Titles Keyword

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

This Book Has No Title

The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?

This Book Has No Title

I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.

This Book Has No Title

I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.

This Book Has No Title

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

This Book Has No Title

We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.

This Book Has No Title

I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.

This Book Has No Title

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

This Book Has No Title

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

This Book Has No Title

I don’t have a blue-collar job. It’s more of a green collar, because of all the yellow sweat stains mixing in.

This Book Has No Title

I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper than I imagined!) 

This Book Has No Title

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

This Book Has No Title

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

This Book Has No Title

His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.

This Book Has No Title

Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.

This Book Has No Title

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

This Book Has No Title

If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down trees with a sharpened mustache.  

This Book Has No Title

I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is obviously in the past.

This Book Has No Title

I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.

This Book Has No Title

I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep the flies away).

This Book Has No Title

In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.

This Book Has No Title