Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.
A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.
I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache.
Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection.
Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.
I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.
I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.
Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.
I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.
I taught a college course called “Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.
The light lulls you into a false sense of security. But if the dark should come suddenly and silently, you’d stand out like black on night.
When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!
We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.
Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.
If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.
My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.
I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.
My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.
Some people hide behind rules and regulations to deliver sadistic punishments, as if they don’t secretly delight in causing pain and abusing their power.
It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.
