But replacing hunger for divine connection with Double Stuf Oreos is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic.
The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see a politician give a speech on “Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.
She asked if she could have a word with me, and I replied, “So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.
I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.
I like to wear a suit and tie and say things like, Well, I’d better be getting back to the farm. The crop’s not going to grow without my encouragement.
When money for food is scarce, I’ve got to start tightening my belt. And if I keep getting skinnier from not eating, I’ll have to tighten my belt even further.
Don’t say that poetry, my friend, is beautiful or powerful for there is no powerful or beautiful poetry There is poetry that strikes you, secretly with the diseases of writing and schizophrenia, and you rave and your self leaves you for another
The secret to being successful from a trading perspective is to have an indefatigable and an undying and unquenchable thirst for information and knowledge.
USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.
Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.
My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.
With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.
I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.
Do I have a light? Yes, and I also have two instrumental versions of Nirvana’s “Teen Spirit” I can offer you, if you’re interested.
Cliff said he’d jump off a cliff, and I called it a bluff. I didn’t think he was bluffing, but I did think he should have accurately called it a bluff and not a cliff. Such is the nature of nature.
Fame is the thirst of youth.
When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
