A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.
I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?
Susan Orlean: YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT. He's dead. Charlie Kaufman: Shut up. Susan Orlean: YOU LOSER. You've ruined my life, YOU FAT FUCK. Charlie Kaufman: FUCK YOU LADY. You're just a lonely, old, desperate, pathetic DRUG ADDICT.
Susan Orlean: Aww, I wish I were an ant. Awww, they're so shiny. John Laroche: You're shinier than any ant darlin' Susan Orlean: That's the sweetest thing anybody has EVER said to me. John Laroche: Welp, I like ya', that's why.
Susan Vance: What would you say about a man who follows a girl around... Dr. Fritz Lehman: Follows her around... Susan Vance: ...And then when she talks to him, he fights with her? Dr. Fritz Lehman: Fights with her... is the young man your fiance?
David Huxley: First you drop an olive, and then I sit on my hat. It all fits perfectly. Susan Vance: Oh, yes, but you can't do that trick without dropping some of the olives; it takes practice. David Huxley: What, to sit on my hat? Susan Vance: No, t...
'Suddenly Susan' is my life.
I have never advised the destruction of life, but of property, yes.
I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?
I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.
My girlfriend just had a baby. We've known each other for six months, so I'm pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!
Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.
Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.
Susan Vance: [watching George the dog dig up what they think is David's dinosaur bone] Oh, look, David, a boot. David Huxley: [angrily] A boot. [picks it up and makes like he's going to swing with it] Susan Vance: Don't hit George, David. David Huxle...
David Huxley: [David has just slipped on the olive Susan had dropped and he has fallen backward - sitting upon his hat] Well I might have known you were here. I had a feeling - just as I hit the floor. Susan Vance: That was your hat.
It is worse to be irresolute than to be wrong.
Every company wants to know how to find and keep highly talented women in the workplace.
Women have lives that become increasingly empty. They're doing more and feeling less.
Do you know what the imagination is, Susan?" The child nodded sagely. "That's when you see things that aren't really there." "Well, not exactly," said Kris with a smile. "No -- to me the imagination is a place all by itself. A very wonderful country....
If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me to hand to you.
I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I'm like, What's the rush? I'm thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what's another ten years?
