She said I brought her nothing but sorrow. I replied, “Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.
My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.
David Huxley: So if you don't mind, Susan, I'll see Mr. Peabody alone, and unarmed. Susan Vance: Without me? David Huxley: Yes, without you, and *definitely* without you.
I would rather be a rebel than a slave.
Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.
I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.
My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.
I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.
The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.
To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.
My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.
While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?
True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.
Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.
