Quotes of: Susan Keyword

As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I went fishing. I didn’t catch a creature with scales, but I did reel in sheet music. It had scales, and was quite tasty.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If I had 31 minutes to live, I'd ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm always like that, rounding up and needy.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You