A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to me.
I'm a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don't know if he'd beat me or if I'd beat him, but I could guarantee that no matter who wins, I'd win.
My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share the same father, mother, or taste in food.
I had a dream about you. You were naked from the waist down, and you were lecturing me on the merits of pantslessness. I wasn’t naked, but you didn’t notice, because I was wearing the flesh of another man, whom I’d earlier killed and skinned.�...
She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.
People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show up.
Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury my grandfather, before the cops get here.
I like to bunch words together to form new words, like "off" and "ice" to form "office." But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office even a real word?
There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body to a better hiding spot.
I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to run this country into the ground from Washington DC.
For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society, of course.
I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his daily bowel movement.
Susan: You know what's wrong with you, Mr Grandi? You've being seeing too many gangster movies. Mike may be spoiling some of your fun. 'Uncle' Joe Grandi: Mike? Susan: My husband, yeah! And if you're trying to scare me into calling him off, let me te...
Dr. Fritz Lehman: Well, the love impulse in men very frequently reveals itself in terms of conflict. Susan Vance: [Excitedly] The love impulse! Dr. Fritz Lehman: Without my knowing anything about it, my rough guess would be, that he has a fixation on...
Susan Vance: [Susan is pretending to be a gun moll who is turning on supposed mobster partner David Bone by exposing his supposed alias to Constable Slocum] You mean to say you don't remember 'Jerry the Nipper' ? David Huxley: Constable she's making ...
Puritanism was a youthful, vigorous movement.
Definitely, it's a fear of failure that drives me.
Justice and judgment lie often a world apart.
They're stealing my ideas. They're imitating my shots.
Simon Marshall: If you don't cooperate, you won't get to meet Susan. George: And who's this Susan when she's at home? Simon Marshall: Only Susan Canby, our resident teenager. George: Oh! You mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong? Simon Marsha...
I had a dream about you. You had four legs like a cat has four legs like a chair has four legs, and I was looking for a place to sit. Then you meowed at me, so I sat on your back and began reading a book about how to read a book.
