My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?
I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.
My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.
My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.
Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.
Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.
I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.
When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their pulse to be certain.
I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?
If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.
If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.
I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.
He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.
It has sunk him, I cannot say how much it has sunk him in my opinion. So unlike what a man should be!-None of that upright integrity, that strict adherence to truth and principle, that distain of trick and littleness, which a man should display in ev...
Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.
33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.
When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.
I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.
I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will be dedicated to our love, and it will take a lifetime to complete.
