The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.
Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.
I don’t have any original facial expressions. Everything I have I inherited from my parents. Someday I’ll show you my “You’re adopted” smile.
A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in life the things we do not have.
I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m an orphan, so I was hoping we could hang out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.
Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.
Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you could create a life for yourself without irrational fears of the future.
I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.
Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.
When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn't go "Thump, thump." It goes "Hush, hush." I'm very secretive about my feelings.
Sometimes I feel like this. Sometimes I feel like that. I wish I could be more specific, but that’s how I feel—vague.
I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so scratchy that this morning my throat is sore.
I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.
I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright. They’re almost as blinding as my love for you, only not as runny.
Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.
I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!
If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.
Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I was a bring-my-own-spoon kind of student.
There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at the football stadium, along with all the other worms.
Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.
