Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.
Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.
The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.
Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.
Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?
Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.
I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined look like literature.
Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.
The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.
People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.
For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.
If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in reverse.
Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).
I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.
The castle of Enysfarne was a dark and towering force that hovered over what was left of my innocence. It contained my destiny, of that I had no doubt whatsoever; a fate that threatened to wipe the blush off my face and turn me into the man my father...
On a waste place strewn with bricks in the outskirts of a town twilight was falling. A star or two appeared over the smoke, and distant windows lit mysterious lights. The stillness deepened and the loneliness. Then all the outcast things that are sil...
Do they see the lethal insanity of a race to the brink of oblivion, and then over the edge? Apparently not. If they did, surely they wouldn't be racing to begin with. Or is it a simple failure of imagination? One doesn't like to think such a rudiment...
My name on his lips is a symphony. How can two simple beats of basic human language engulf me so completely? We stare at each other for a mini infinity. I’m terrified of speaking and breaking the spell that’s fallen over us.
There, about a dozen times during the day, the wind drives over the sky the swollen clouds, which water the earth copiously, after which the sun shines brightly, as if freshly bathed, and floods with a golden luster the rocks, the river, the trees, a...
