I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep.
The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.
The stove, she knew, wished it were a volcano, the humble teaspoons wished they were steamshovels, and the sink wished it were a well so all the others could have their wishes. Yet they all stayed exactly the same no matter what they wished, no matte...
Now, in the clear light of an accepted duty, he felt fear indeed, but with it a sober sense of confidence in himself and in the world, and even an element of pleasure. It was the difference between a landsman in a sinking ship and a horseman on a bol...
I tried to scream like you once screamed God since I wanted to make the whole world faint but Harry Astley clapped his hand over my mouth O the sheer joy of feeling my teeth sink in.
Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?
I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.
My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.
My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.
Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.
Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.
I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.
When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their pulse to be certain.
I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?
If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.
If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.
I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.
He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.
