And then a man stood next to the shelf and said, "Come and look at this, Barry. They've got, like, a train elf." And another man came and stood net to him and said, "Well, we have both been drinking." And the first man said, "Perhaps we should feed h...
One of the hardest things you will ever have to go through is the death of a child. The second hardest thing you will ever have to go through is having a child die at Christmas time. The third hardest thing you will ever have to go through is telling...
Never mistake the uncomfortable feeling of insecurity and the fear of the unknown with the Holy Ghost’s promptings. Sometimes those feelings are simply Satan keeping you stuck where you are because he knows you will have a half-life there. He knows...
From my first stab at second base, I became obsessively concerned for my vaginal upkeep. I began shaving the day after I felt my first tongue down my throat. The first buzz was a disaster, causing horrifically itchy dull razor breakout that made me l...
One day when God fell asleep And the Holy Ghost went off flying, He got into a box of miracles and stole three. With the first he made it so that no one would know he had run away. With the second he made himself a human boy forever. With the third h...
Conflicting stories continue to circulate concerning the death of the President. A second White House announcement has now called attention to the President's schedule for the day, pointing out that no mention is made there of dying. Also released wa...
Well, I'm not here to impinge on anybody else's lifestyle. If I'm in a place where I know I'm going to harm somebody's health or somebody asks me to please not smoke, I just go outside and smoke. But I do resent the way the nonsmoking mentality has b...
The very joyful thing about seeing ourselves and life from a place of gratitude instead of entitlement— is that this way of breathing allows us to be forgiving of difficult circumstances in life and of those people who delivered such difficult circ...
There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Matt?” Fuck. “Nope. Silence. “Would you be the owner of the leather pants?” “Yep.” She paused briefly. “I’m going to pass these through the door. You have exactly thirty seconds to pull them o...
I didn't expect to recover from my second operation but since I did, I consider that I'm living on borrowed time. Every day that dawns is a gift to me and I take it in that way. I accept it gratefully without looking beyond it. I completely forget my...
We took a right at the fork, heading farther north. The charred houses continued. To the right, a large sign nailed to an old telephone post shouted DANGER in huge red letters. Underneath in crisp black letters was written: IM-1: Infectious Magic Are...
Life is what we make it to be; can be other people’s life or it can be our special one. The difference is that the first we sit and watch and basically we know the ending but the second is defined by us and require lots of work and effort to define...
Literary criticism can be no more than a reasoned account of the feeling produced upon the critic by the book he is criticizing. Criticism can never be a science: it is, in the first place, much too personal, and in the second, it is concerned with v...
We all experience highs and lows in life. If you are feeling down right now, each second that passes is another moment to turn it all around. Feelings, good and bad, always come and go. The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful ...
Roger Strong: Frank, would you like to say grace? [Long pause] Roger Strong: Unless you're not comfortable. Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Absolutely. Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned, but the second mous...
Mr. Bernstein: A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a gi...
Steve Rogers: Arlim Zola was a German scientist who worked with the Red Skull. He's been dead for years. Dr. Arnim Zola: [inside a machine] First correction, I am Swiss. Second, look around you, I have never been more alive! In 1972, I received a ter...
John Murdoch: Here, let me ask you a question. You heard of a place called Shell Beach? Inspector Frank Bumstead: Sure. John Murdoch: Do you know how to get there? Inspector Frank Bumstead: Yeah. John Murdoch: Tell me. Inspector Frank Bumstead: Right...
Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Te...
[about Tyler splicing frames of pornography into family films] Narrator: So when the snooty cat, and the courageous dog, with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the ...
Narrator: Hello? Tyler Durden: [Eating breakfast cereal] Who is this? Narrator: Tyler? Tyler Durden: Who is this? Narrator: Uh... we met... we met on the airplane. We had the same suitcase. Uh... the clever guy? Tyler Durden: Oh yeah, right. [Snicker...
