The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.
The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you in veneration.
I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.
I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.
If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the watch.
He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny lasso.
I found her love in the dumpster. Well, if he threw it away, I see no reason why I can’t keep it. I’m so into her you’d think I was homeless.
His name was Chase, so to make things interesting, I gave him a bit of a head start. Sort of like I do when pursuing a woman that I love.
I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody for nobody. Maybe I have that backwards, and upside down.
If I could change one thing about myself, I’d pick a new nose, because I’m tired of picking this one. Oh, and I’d stop treating people as if they’re flickable.
My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit her on the bum.
The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the United States so romantic?
Her bag is full of green apples, except for one red one. I gave her the red one, as if to say, “Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.
If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.
I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.
If you replace the letter "s" with the letter "x," you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, "fences" would become "fencex," and I'd say good fencex makes good neighbors.
I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.
For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.
Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.
The word "sex" has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male), I have no sex, despite knowing willing females.
Through the fog Orafoura said, “Those people are black.” “I know,” I said, “they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.
