My favorite smells are freshly baked bread, the pages of an old book, and they way my boss’ ass smells when he’s shouting at me.
People are like books. You can either read them, or you can burn them. But before I try to read you, I’ve got to ask, Are you a heretic?
I hope you enjoy reading my book as much as I didn’t enjoy writing it. Just kidding! I hope you don’t enjoy it at all.
I love ebooks. I love the idea of storing books in “The Cloud”, because honestly, reading and rainy days go together like peanut butter and umbrellas.
If this book looks like it took me 15 minutes to put together, that’s because it did! 30 seconds to write it, and 14.5 minutes to illustrate it. (The translating was instantaneous).
I know a lot about forming personal connections with people. Not from, you know, personal interaction or anything, but from reading about it alone, in silence.
It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.
My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.
With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.
I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll want to continue doing it in my free time.
My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.
Your dead cat would look great on my t-shirt—along with tire tracks on my chest. What better time is there to love than now?
Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.
When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to either purr or meow.
If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?
I sometimes rub a bag of potato chips, but honestly, it’s no substitute for petting a cat. I’m the sort if pet owner that doesn’t approve of high fructose corn syrup.
My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time and money to strippers.
The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.
I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I’m having an affair with. And it’s not affair to share.
Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.
A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.
