The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to think he was talking to the car, because how could he be so foolish to try to talk to...
My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm clock go off and feel like I’m out on parole. Only then does it hit me: life in the slumbering gulag wasn’t so bad after all, ...
I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am an egg, and my dream is an omelet; I see myself in my dream, yet it is greater ...
Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not stealing if I take something that isn’t there,...
I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other food. That’s why I’ve never seen a ghost. They’re afraid of me, afraid I’ll eat them. And you know what, they’re right. I do lo...
It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and the 10th dentist, the one with the dissenting opinion? S/he’s probably ...
Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell only lies. Not only that, but the island has a population of t...
I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the person behind the counter asks me what I want I’ll say, “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger, what do you want?” And ...
Her name is Shelen, and I think she probably has a brother named Helen. He is Helen, a male with a female’s name, but life could be worse. He could be a liar, a thief, and immoral. In other words, Helen could be a politician. And without knowing an...
In middle school I used to draw letters of the alphabet out of contorted torsos, bodies, arms, legs. A rigid torso with one arm and one leg extended at straight angles out would form a “K,” for example. But then I realized how silly that was. Peo...
Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a rejection letter from some place I don’t even remember applying to? That’s like a homeless person walking up to me and saying, ...
People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know...
According to me I have hypochondria. So if I say I suffer from a condition where a person thinks they suffer from everything, it’s a giant loop! Nobody can say I don’t suffer from it because just by saying I suffer from it I am showing the sympto...
Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that made me feel. At the time, I thought I felt, well, I couldn’t tell you without my cheat sheet. What seemed obviate to me then, now see...
In regards to the price of commodities, the rise of wages operates as simple interest does, the rise of profit operates like compound interest. Our merchants and masters complain much of the bad effects of high wages in raising the price and lessenin...
I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said no, because you didn’t want to infringe on your grandma’s sal...
You are aware that the sale of liquore is currently against the law." Edgar went on, "but I suppose that is why you enjoy it." "Everyone should have a hobby or two," Magnus said. "Mine just happen to include illegal trade, drinking and carousing. I'v...
Obviously it makes a difference if an author has a public online profile of some sort, even just down to the level of having a moderately popular blog. Most books sell 5, 10, or 15 thousand copies. Most are midlist books. With those people, even a mo...
Greed, envy, sloth, pride and gluttony: these are not vices anymore. No, these are marketing tools. Lust is our way of life. Envy is just a nudge towards another sale. Even in our relationships we consume each other, each of us looking for what we ca...
Margo: Hello? Cookies for sale! Gru: Go away, I'm not home! Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you. Gru: No, you didn't. This... is a recording. Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't. Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. Leave a message. Beep! [Edith kicks the door, ca...
[after learning that the Lingk sale has been filed] Ricky Roma: You filed it, that puts me over the fuckin' top, I want my Cadillac. I don't wanna hear no fuckin' shit and I don't give a shit. Lingk puts me over the top. You filed it, it went downtow...
