I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin.
'Venti caramel macchiato, please,' he said. 'Hold the snobbery.' The barista laughed and hit buttons on his register. 'You sure? We're having a sale on social mobility. The longer your coffee order takes to place, the more you have to pay.' 'Perfect....
No matter how many indigested actions a female appears to exhibit to the male psyche, she is still a woman. She's the specialty of the house. However she doesn't come at a sale price. Considering her value, a woman is one of the best deals life has t...
I doubt if there are many normal women who can resist looking at houses. I believe, in fact, that when a house is up for sale more than half the people who look over it are not prospective buyers, but merely ladies who cannot resist exploring someone...
Have you by any chance an edition of St. Ignatius's treatise against the Gnostics?" he asked in a low clear voice. The young assistant looked gravely back. "Not for sale, I'm afraid," he said. "Nor, if it comes to that, the Gnostic treatises against ...
She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under.
The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out.
On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of morons were, so I figured I’d fit right in if I looked like an idiot.
The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer, there’d be no unemployment, because the economy would be like a great lawsuit factory. Farmers in this utopia wouldn’t raise cro...
If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I'd respond, "It's like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon." If they asked me to clarify, I'd respond, "It feels like I'm just one of 300 million empt...
You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my bike has no brakes and I’m rapidly approaching a cli...
My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if you want to come over later and help me prosecute my entire wardro...
If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball. But what are you doing? You should be running toward love, not away...
I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she looked like a dry fish fucker to me.
If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings of light who give off enough energy so I can b...
If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I am the 2014 World Cuddling Champion.
I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can’t be worse than the othe...
If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage, though in my defense the reason my marriage was so short ...
I cover my bedroom windows with tinfoil, because it keeps out the morning sun, and it makes it seem like I’m living on a spaceship. Neil Armstrong once called me to learn how to walk on the path of love, and I told him, “One giant leap, followed ...
Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your death will be the death of me, and that is why you should attend my funeral. After all, if you don’t show up, I might have trouble s...
Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths.
