I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask like I pay by the hour.
A brick could be used to represent my hero. My hero obviously doesn’t look like a brick, but since he is my hero I decided to represent him as more handsome and interesting than he really is. Who’s my hero? Any member of Congress.
I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the clever one in the deal. Damn it! Lucifer tricked me!
To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference for the abstract over the concrete, that makes m...
I am not challenging you to be you, I am challenging you to be you. In the first case, I’d be challenging you for your role; while in the second instance, I’d be issuing you a challenge for you to step up and be the best possible you.
I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right number, wrong time.
There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is: I’ll take the one you didn’t choose. You see, you are the fool here, because I poisoned the first apple!
It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks.
We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not one).
Working in a hotel is the anti-coffee shop, because instead of it being a place that’ll wake you up, it’s a place to sleep. And it’s a place to have sex, which is something Starbucks frowns upon (though I’ve never seen anyone frown during sex...
When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente coffee at Starbucks every morning, they have to downsize to grande.
I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems. It’s just that I haven’t been the same since the Folgers fiasco of ‘04.
Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex. I guess it’ll also distribute political favors.
I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But that’s boring and a l...
In the immortal words of myself, "If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt." Likewise, if cyborgs one day come to be viewed as so human-like that they are accepted as equals, then I cry for the cyborg named Mel T. Dow...
She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always asleep in the middle of the night, but I’ll bet it looked unbelievable.
I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.
Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying, but surely one of the eleven graciously paid for me.
I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.
I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I hate digging up dirt on politicians.
I like transparent boxes, so would-be thieves can see what’s inside. Deception by invisibility—the walls are invisible, and that makes the contents inside visible, and therefore invisible, because people look but they don’t see, as they assume ...
