If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.
I’m in the middle between a pessimist and an optimist. I take full responsibility for the glass half full. Well, I take half-full responsibility. But if it were full of beer, I’d take full responsibility.
Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.
I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.
If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be inspirational to my poetry.
My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.
I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?
My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.
I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.
I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.
If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.
An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.
The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.
The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you in veneration.
I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.
I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.
If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in the stands. I’ll give them all one watch, because we all share time, so they can share the watch.
He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny lasso.
I found her love in the dumpster. Well, if he threw it away, I see no reason why I can’t keep it. I’m so into her you’d think I was homeless.
His name was Chase, so to make things interesting, I gave him a bit of a head start. Sort of like I do when pursuing a woman that I love.
I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody for nobody. Maybe I have that backwards, and upside down.
