I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting.
If I were in a band, people at my shows would fight for tickets—that’s how much I believe in love. I’d call my band “The Black-eyed Peasants.
I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.
My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.
I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.
The human voice isn’t like water,” I shouted. “You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless. I felt like Noah preaching to a pack of Helen Kellers.
Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.
I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.
Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They're also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.
There’s a hair in my food! Well, I did order all the cuddles I can eat. A buffet of sleep is how I describe my love to strangers on trains.
My response landed me in hot water. A dirty dish also landed in hot water. If I weren’t such a raging feminist, maybe I’d buy a dishwater instead of scrubbing them all by hand.
My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.
We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. Cheese doesn’t just make itself by standing around all day drinking coffee, you know.
I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.
If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?
I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting consequences.
My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.
For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a raincoat.
Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.
I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.
My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?
