I went to Hallmark, but they don’t sell corridors there. I did, however, find a card that perfectly summed up our relationship. The card was blank.
I have women all over the world. In New York, London, Los Angeles. I think what they find most appealing about me is the distance.
I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the kind of relationship I could never talk her out of.
Love is as clear as saran wrap, and just as necessary for preserving our interpersonal leftovers. If you’re ready to heat things up, I’m ready to spoon.
She didn’t just disappear from my life—she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer’s, I will never forget it.
I am the Buckminster Fuller of Love, though I’m not as full as you’d omniimagine. I do not belong to you, because I do not belong to I. No, I belong to us.
If you can’t respect me as a banana, then I’m not sure how you can respect me as a man. Aside from not cramping up, what’s more important than respect?
I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.
William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would be Nicholas Parks.
Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.
I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for your sadness.
While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France.
We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?
I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.
In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that's logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.
I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.
If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!
Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by a speeding bicycle?
A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.
I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I've also never had a one-night stand while standing the whole time.
I make love sensually, and without the aid of a fancy recipe. I just open the box, add water, stir a bit, and pop it in the oven.
