I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.
I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.
When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.
It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.
If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.
He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.
I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he is going around gathering political votes.
The political climate is stable, when you keep the ruling animals in a stable. I no longer vote for anything that can’t be ridden by a monkey dressed like a cowboy.
I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.
For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.
Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.
I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.
My last name should be “Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.
Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me...
If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.
My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.
I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?
I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.
When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.
I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.
I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.
