I had a dream about you. You had a bottle made of smoky glass, which made the contents appear mysterious, and I had the last smoky exhalation of a dead smoker in a Ziploc bag. I offered to trade my sandwich for your drink, but you said, “No thanks,...
I had a dream about you. You were wearing a spaghetti strainer as a helmet, and I said, “I demand you take my fishbowl off your head at once.” But the truth is it didn’t matter, because my fish had dried up and died weeks ago. That’s kind of ...
I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said no, because you didn’t want to infringe on your grandma’s sal...
I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s room in a hurry. I’d rather buy my thinly sliced beef somewhere else.
What are you up to?” “Oh, you know, mischief and mayhem,” he replied. “That so reminds me of Harry Potter,” Brit said, sighing. “I need a re-read.” We all turned to her. Two bright spots appeared in her cheeks as she tossed her blonde h...
I saw an old woman walking in the rain, and rather than offer her an umbrella, I offered her advice. I said, “Rejoice in the rain. Pretend you’ve just exited the desert.” I knew my words impacted her because she shivered in delight. I should be...
I had a dream about you. You listened quietly as I told my idea for an invention that could dry your hair with in minutes of getting out of the bath. After giving you my pitch you said "Like a blow dryer" I became so embarrassed that I put my head in...
And for once, Donald Rumsfeld, in the news at the time over the Iraq war made sense to me: "As we know," he said, famously, "there are known knowns-things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns-things we know we don't know. But there ...
But she went to tell the bees. She felt like an idiot doing it, but she'd promised. She remembered that it wasn't enough just to think at them: you had to say the words out loud. Bees were the messengers between this world and the other worlds, Pilar...
My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.
He paused at the bedroom door, shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and walked right out like it was any other morning, and he and Jack would be having breakfast as if they hadn't had sex the night before. "Morning," he said, casting a quick glance ove...
Fantasy? That's for the Fire Birds. Fantasy, even when it takes science-fictional forms, which it often does, is dangerous. It is escapist. It is daydreaming. It has nothing to do with the world and the world's problems. So said the snobs who did not...
... while I bathed, while I tried but failed to sleep, I considered how I might become more like the women I respected and admired. Surrounded as I was by ambitious, accomplished women, I couldn't ignore the little voice in my head that said maybe I ...
The turning point was when I hit my 30th birthday. I thought, if really want to write, it's time to start. I picked up the book How to Write a Novel in 90 Days. The author said to just write three pages a day, and I figured, I can do this. I never go...
The best compliment came from Knopf's Sonny Mehta. We were at lunch in New York with my editor, Gary Fisketjon, it was my first time meeting Sonny, and after ordering our food, he turned to me and said, 'Adam, I read 'Mr. Peanut' in two days; every p...
Most human subjugates are young,” said Will. “Vampires like to acquire their subjugates when they’re youthful—prettier to look at, and less chance of diseased blood. And they’ll live a bit longer, though not much.” He looked pleased with ...
Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" asked Jace. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," ...
At first, he talked about the flowers in the garden behind his country house in Surrey. His voice still had its Midlands accent but was soft now and barely audible. He knew the plants by name and took a few minutes with each of them: ageratum, coreop...
When my father-in-law, Jan Vuijst, a Dutch Reformed minister, was on his deathbed, I had a deeply intimate conversation with him - as it turned out, my last conversation with him. He said to me, 'It was a privilege to have lived.' The soulful gratitu...
Man is said to be a reasoning animal. I do not know why he has not been defined as an affective or feeling animal. Perhaps that which differentiates him from other animals is feeling rather than reason. More often I have seen a cat reason than laugh ...
Both of you be safe," Nessa said, looking to Turner. "Welcome to my messed up home, by the way." "Messed up?" Turner asked. "They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off. What's family if there isn't any drama?" Turner winked at ...
