Royal: Are you trying to steal my woman? Henry Sherman: I beg your pardon? Royal: You heard me, Coltrane. Henry Sherman: Coltrane? Royal: What? Henry Sherman: Did you just call me Coltrane? Royal: No. Henry Sherman: You didn't? Royal: No. Henry Sherm...
[Richie tells his father Royal he's in love with Margot, his adopted sister] Royal: Margot Tenenbaum? Richie: Yeah. Royal: Well, since when? Richie: Since always. Royal: Does she know? Richie: Uh-huh. Royal: Well, what does she feel about that? Richi...
Royal: [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I? [cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge] Judge: And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these f...
Ethel: Royal, this is Henry Sherman. Royal: [shaking hands with him] Hey, lay it on me, man. Henry Sherman: How do you do? Royal: Not too well, I'm dying.
[Royal motions to Pagoda] Royal: He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back. Ari: Who stabbed you? [Royal motions to Pagoda again] Royal: He did. There was a price...
[Pagoda stabs Royal] Royal: That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
Royal: So, what do you think of this big old black buck moving in up there? Richie: Who? Royal: Henry Sherman. You know him? Richie: Yeah. Royal: Is he worth a damn? Richie: I believe so.
Ari: Were you in prison? Royal: Kinda. Minimum security. I got jacked by the IRS. Shall we split? Ari: Yes, sir. Royal: No, call me Mr. Tennenbaum. Ari: OK. Royal: Oh, I'm kidding. Call me Pappy.
[Chas has told Royal to get out of the house. As Royal gets up to leave he suddenly seems to suffer some kind of 'attack' and falls to the floor] Chas: Are you OK? Royal: [with a wooden spoon between his teeth] 'Fuck do you care?
Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph: Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer. Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last? Royal: Not long. Chas: A month? A year? Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anyth...
[to Royal] Chas: Please don't come in this room.
[Royal is telling his children that he and their mother are splitting up] Young Margot Tenenbaum: Is it our fault? Royal: No, no. Obviously, we made certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no, Lord, no. Young Richie Tenenbaum: Then why...
Royal: Chas has those boys cooped up like a pair of jackrabbits, Ethel. Ethel: He has his reasons. Royal: Oh, I know that, but you can't raise boys to be scared of life. You gotta brew some recklessness into them. Ethel: I think that's terrible advic...
Royal: Everyone's against me. Pagoda: It's your fault, man. Royal: I know but dammit, I want this family to love me.
[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house] Royal: Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life. Narr...
Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me. Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you'...
Royal: Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us? Margot: No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them. Royal: Get him to stick them in a fucking cage or something.
Margot: You probably don't even know my middle name. Royal: That's a trick question. You don't have one. Margot: Helen. Royal: That was my mother's name. Margot: I know it was.
Ethel: [about Royal's fake terminal illness charade] Were you part of this, Pagoda? Henry Sherman: Of course he was. Royal: No... well, yeah, he was, but, I mean, he wasn't *that* involved.
[Henry has gathered the family into Royal's room] Henry Sherman: Pagoda has something to say. Pagoda: [points at Royal] He has a cancer. Henry Sherman: No, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three chees...
