You should never wear a baseball cap when working in close quarters in the attic: You never see that beam above you!
Do the unexpected. Take 20 minutes out of your day, do what young people all over the world are dying to do: vote.
And under our system, much like you see in the U.K., of course, a party working with another party can form a coalition and govern the country.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
I'm terribly shallow. I don't miss things once I have stopped doing them, and I don't miss people when I stop seeing them.
'Senior Citizen' and 'Silver Surfer' are the new euphemisms. Unless you're a female presenter on TV, in which case you're ready for the knacker's yard at 35.
All reality TV shows are a triumph of voyeurism. They choose contestants who are ill-suited and slightly freakish.
I try to swim for 30 minutes and walk for 30 minutes, because if I don't, my finely honed body will slip into its old ways.
ONE WORD One word — one stone in a cold river. One more stone— I'll need many stones if I'm going to get over.
Life and death are two banks of the same river. Time is the boat on which we travel from one to the other, over and over.
If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.
A clown I knew who was retiring from Ringling Brothers gave me his giant shoes, and somebody else made me a clown suit.
You don't really have to say much when your headline is 'Drag Queen Robs Burger King.' Sometimes comedy writes itself.
High on the list of things I've been meaning to do since I moved to New York in 2004 is going up to a Columbia University football game.
So after being with somebody for any number of days like that, you can't help but feel for them. You can't help them, but you certainly can root for them.
We're all water from different rivers, That's why it's so easy to meet, We're all water in this vast, vast ocean, Someday we'll evaporate together.
My father worked real hard. I admired him. My father taught me you needed to work with your brain and not your back. I've made that a passion.
