Since my love is so foggy, I could never date a woman named Misty. Or Steve, because that's my dad's name, and that'd be strange.
I think it was love. She was the kind of woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with—if I’d just been told I have six months left to live.
I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?
Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.
I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.
I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.
We made love like a flag draped over the coffin of a soldier. But that soldier, he fought for that flag’s enemy—he fought for the innocent people living under the shadow of that flag.
Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.
The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.
I breathe, I walk, I listen, I love. But not in that order, because right now I’m sitting down, testing my lung’s storage capacity, and ignoring you.
How to Lose Weight Through the Miracle of Diarrhea. That sounds like a bestselling Romance novel title if I’ve ever heard one. I’m a sucker for a good love story.
He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.
I’ve always felt that love and luck are two sides of the same pair of jeans. Pick a partner that won’t pick your pockets, and you won’t have to be plucky to find pleasure.
Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.
I have salmon slippers. I just hope the bears don’t try to eat my feet. Not that it matters, since the empty turtle shell stole all my love.
Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.
The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.
Improve your life by taking advantage of new technologies like bleach and a drinking glass. Show your love for the globe by reducing an overpopulated world by one.
My three favorite times are 3:33, 12:34, and the moment I fall in love. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to set an alarm to alert me for the first two.
I love writing, and the feeling it brings me can’t be described by words. So here are a few grunting noises that capture my mood when I write: ugh, eek, umph, and ahh!
God forgive me for what I’ve done. God forgive me for what I will do. And God forgive me for what I can’t do because my religion won’t let me
