I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)
If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.
In the European Union, the relationship between politicians and the fishing industry has become like that of a doctor assisting the suicide of a patient.
Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.
It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.
If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?
I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.
I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.
I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.
When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.
He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.
If instead of horns, unicorns had dildos on their heads, I’ll bet more politicians would try to find them.
SETI scans the stars searching for extraterrestrial intelligence, which pretty much rules out them ever finding an alien politician.
I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.
In my dream, the passenger seat of my car was a toilet. I guess I was on my way to pick up a politician.
There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.
Most Pakistani politics is conducted within a narrow spectrum. Politicians spend much time debating the best ways to fight India, or take Kashmir, or dominate Afghanistan, or punish the United States for its real and imagined sins.
You slam a politician, you make out he's the devil, with horns and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses.
President Obama is the kind of politician who puts promises on the record, and then calls that the record. But we are four years into this presidency. The issue is not the economy as Barack Obama inherited it, not the economy as he envisions it, but ...
The Philippines is a country in which a man of morals can't be president, in which a politician who hasn't been linked to any wrongdoing isn't assumed to be honest, but merely better at hiding his corruption.
I don't think I have the demeanor to be a politician. I'm used to making decisions and to a certain extent being in charge.
