Quotes of: Picture-book Keyword

When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased. 

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Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.

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The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.

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My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

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-I’m looking for a man—  -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

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We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.

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I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

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I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.

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When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.

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Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?

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I let the feeling wash over me, and then I dried off with a fur coat and went for a walk on my unicycle.

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I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

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The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

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There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars. 

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I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

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I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

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The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

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When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

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I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.

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It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

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It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

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