I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.
I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.
If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.
I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.
I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.
He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.
Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.
I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).
Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.
In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.
You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.
I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.
I don't sit on material like a sofa. I also don't sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.
The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.
She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.
I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.
Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.
The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!
My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.
-I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.
I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.
