I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.
My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.
Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.
My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what they always smell like.
What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.
He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.
If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.
I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.
I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.
I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.
I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?
Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.
I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.
Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.
I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.
Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.
How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.
Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.
Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.
I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot see or feel we’re wearing.
Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.
