I don’t have any money to speak of. And if I did, what’s there to say? They say money talks, but it doesn’t talk to me. Money won’t even look at me half the time.
To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded by 600,000 people who make the whole world miserable is to live in Washington DC.
When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.
After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.
In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.
Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on and letting things develop and blossom and then eventually decay.
I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.
I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy.
I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.
It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.
There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a romantic you are.
There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?
With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked for lots of toppings.
I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.
If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.
It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots.
A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.
Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a lot more chin-ups done this way.
Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest.
Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but either way, don’t let rejection stop you from being hated.
I’m growing a love seat in my heart. It’s leather and covered in fur, from a mix up with my cat’s back, some glue, my tongue, and my confusion over how to best clean the chair.
