Larry Lipton: I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so.
Larry Lipton: This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps. Ted: I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp.
Trapper John: If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint. Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I think he has.
Vinny Gambini: [the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?
Dae-su Oh: [on receiving three chopsticks with his prison rations] All I could think about in that moment was the guy in the next room was eating with only one chopstick.
[first lines] Heroin Addict: Fuckin' deadly you are, man. Guy: Don't fucking... don't fucking go near that case. Heroin Addict: What? I'm just tying me laces, man.
Reporter: If he turns off the projector, you're liable to strand this, this Tom Baxter out in the world someplace. You want an extra guy running around?
The Wolf: You guys look like... What do they look like, Jimmie? Jimmie: Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks. Jules: Ha-ha-ha. They're your clothes, motherfucker.
Malcolm McDowell: Griffin? Griffin! Hi, how are you? Listen: the next time you want to badmouth me, have the courage to do it to my face. You guys are all the same.
Herbie Stemple: You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost.
[to a reporter outside the committee hearing] Herbie Stemple: You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.
Recruiter: Funding. That's what makes your ships go up. I'll tell you something, and you guys too: No bucks, no Buck Rodgers.
Chihiro: Guys, don't take that food! We're gonna get in trouble! Chihiro's Father: Don't worry, you've got Daddy with you. He's got credit cards and cash!
Frank Lopez: Lesson number one: Don't underestimate the other guy's greed! [laughing] Elvira Hancock: Lesson number two: Don't get high on your own supply.
Mark Zuckerberg: You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this. If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook.
Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!
Senator Morton: You had no trouble, of course, with the police once they verified your alibi? Guy Haines: When an alibi is full of bourbon, sir, it can't stand up.
Adam: You want to know what I do? I'm paid to follow rich guys like you who go to seedy, out-of-the-way motels to fuck their secretaries.
Higgins: It'd have to be somebody in the community. Joe Turner: Community. Higgins: Intelligence field. Joe Turner: Community! Jesus, you guys are kind to yourselves. Community.
Randolph Duke: [being wheeled out on a stretcher] Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks? Billy Ray Valentine: [to Winthrope] Yeah, I forgot about that guy.
Clarence Worley: I always said, if I had to fuck a guy... I mean had to, if my life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis.
