But that reminds me – and stop me if you've heard this one – of the day Jesus was watching the gates for St. Peter. Anyway, Jesus is giving him a hand one day when a man walks shuffling up to the path of Heaven. “ ‘What have you done to enter...
The fraudulence paradox was that the more time and effort you put into trying to appear impressive or attractive to other people, the less impressive or attractive you felt inside — you were a fraud. And the more of a fraud you felt like, the harde...
Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak to me in the easy way which you always used Put no difference in your ton...
Know Thyself, a wise old Greek once said. Know Thyself. Now what does this mean, boys and girls? It means, be what you are. Don't try to be Sally or Johnny or Fred next door; be yourself. God doesn't want a tree to be a waterfall, or a flower to be a...
Gosh, it's easy!' he marveled, open-mouthed. 'I never knew before how easy it is to kill anyone! Twenty years to grow 'em, and all it takes is one little push!' He was suddenly drunk with some new kind of power, undiscovered until this minute. The po...
There is an old question, rarely voiced these days, but nevertheless running as an undercurrent beneath the squabbles and misunderstandings that occur in households, workplaces and universities on a daily basis. ‘What do women want?’ has been ask...
Going through the customs dampened them further. Customs inspectors must have a mental twist that makes them suspicious of innocence. Dewy-eyed honeymooners, red-cheeked provincials, and helpless little old ladies lash them into frenzied investigatio...
Benjy Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, eve...
Jim Garrison: All these documents are yours. The people's property, you pay for it! But because the government considers you children who might be too disturbed or distressed to face this reality, or because you might possibly lynch those involved, y...
Teddy: I'll kill you! Milo: You come on and try it, you slimy bastard. Chris: He wants you to come over there so he can beat the piss out of you and take you to the cops. Milo: You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting. Gordie: Sur...
[soldiers observe the blast from the observatory] Col. Muska: The fire of Heaven that destroyed Sodom and Gamorrah in the Old Testament. The Ramanayah referred to it as "Indra's Arrow." The entire world will once again kneel before the power of Laput...
Keys: Elliot, that machine, what does it do? Elliot: [in a sickly voice] The communicator? Is it still working? Keys: It's doing *something*. What? Elliot: I really shouldn't tell. He came to me, he came to me. Keys: Elliot, he came to me too. I've b...
The Inventor: [to Edward] Let us pretend that we are in the drawing room and the hostess is serving tea. Now many numerous little questions confront us. Should the man rise when he accepts his cup of tea? May lump sugar be taken with the fingers? No....
Raoul Duke: We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat...
Voldemort: [after the Death Eaters have Apparated to the graveyard] Welcome, my friends. Thirteen years it's been, and yet, here you stand as if it were only yesterday. I confess myself... disappointed. Not one of you tried to find me... [running aro...
Laurie: [sees Annie wearing a shirt because her clothes are in the laundry] Oh, fancy! Annie Brackett: This has not been my night. I spilled butter all over my clothes, they're in the wash. I got stuck in the laundry room... Laurie: Listen, I want yo...
Butler: [Answering door] Yes? Indiana Jones: [In Scottish accent] Not before time! did you intend to leave us standing on the doorstep all day? we're drenched [sneezes in butler's face] Indiana Jones: Now look, I've gone and caught a sniffle Butler: ...
George Bailey: Mary Hatch, why in the world did you ever marry a guy like me? Mary: To keep from being an old maid! George Bailey: You could have married Sam Wainright, or anybody else in town... Mary: I didn't want to marry anybody else in town. I w...
[Riley is on the verge of tears after attempting to run away back to Minnesota after feeling very homesick] Riley: I... I know you don't want me to, but I miss home. I miss Minnesota. You need me to be happy, but I want my old friend, and my hockey t...
[Brody sees his son sitting in a small skiff, and yells for him to get out of it] Ellen Brody: Martin, it's his birthday tomorrow! Brody: I don't want him out on the water! Ellen Brody: He is not out on the water, he is in a boat! He's not going to g...
Older Joe: How's your French coming? Joe: Good. You gonna tell me I ought to be learning Mandarin? Older Joe: I never regretted learning French. [in French] Older Joe: I know you have a gun between your legs. [in English] Older Joe: No? Well, you'll ...
