I want to buy “A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.
II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.
I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.
To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.
You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.
Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.
My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.
I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.
There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.
I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.
I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.
I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.
I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it’s all funny money.
Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my wallet.
I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.
Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes for goats too, you pervert.
My zip code is my salary. Too bad I live in 32256 and not 90210. Also, I lied—but only because the zip code 00000 does not exist.
If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.
The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.
I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.
I’m trying to be a better gangsta, so I’m learning how to play the ukulele. I'm also trying to figure out how to rap a romance novel, like The Notebook.
