Quotes of: Old-books Keyword

When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.

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Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?

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I let the feeling wash over me, and then I dried off with a fur coat and went for a walk on my unicycle.

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I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

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The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

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There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars. 

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I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

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I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

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The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

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When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

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I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.

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It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

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It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

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Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked. 

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All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

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There should be a language called Nail, so I could more naturally say, “My nail is a bit rusty.

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I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely. 

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I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?

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I put the men in mental. Well, me and my clones do. Alone I just put in the man.

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The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.

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I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.

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