I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).
Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.
In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.
You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.
I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.
I don't sit on material like a sofa. I also don't sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.
The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.
She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.
I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.
Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.
The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!
My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.
I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.
Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.
I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).
Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an infant.
I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?
I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.
-Do you see that? -Yeah, what is it? -That’s the truth. -How can you tell it’s the truth? -Because it’s ugly.
If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.
Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.
