I don’t like the term “Average Joe.” I prefer “Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.
I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.
It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)
If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.
I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.
We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.
The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to spend those hours is what separates us.
I think I speak for all the mutes when I say, “Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.
Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight.
I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am.
While all men want to be free, some want to be free to think what they want, and other men want to be free from the burden of free thought. These men seek freedom through slavery.
You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.
I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me to gift wrap my greeting?
I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to bring it up from hell.
Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.
I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.
If my name were Theodore Tiffany, my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I adore that idea.
I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.
Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.
If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.
I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been murdered, and their bodies smartly disposed of?
