Rob: I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago.
Lowell Bergman: We've got a guy who wants to talk, but he's constrained. What if he were compelled? Mike Wallace: Oh, torture. Great ratings.
Harry: Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.
Perry: You think that's funny huh? I'm going to break your nose now. [nonchalantly pistol whips the guy in the nose]
Rupert Pupkin: Why not me? Why not? A guy can get anything he wants as long as he pays the price. What's wrong with that? Stranger things have happened.
Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] In the world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books. And I guess that'd be okay, if bad guys were make-believe too, but they're not.
Po: Hey, guys... Tigress: [bowing low before Po] Master. [the rest of the Five follow suit] Po: Master?... Master Shifu!
[from trailer] Older Joe: I'm going to stop this guy. Joe: None of this concerns me... Older Joe: It is going to happen to you! Joe: It's going to happen to YOU, it's not going to happen to ME!
Olive: [takes off her head phones and grandpa suddenly puts a pauses to his ongoing swearing] What are you guys talking about? Grandpa: Politics.
Eddie Dane: Hey, Tic-Tac! You ever notice how the snappy dialogue dries up once a guy starts soiling his union suit?
Larry Lipton: I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so.
Larry Lipton: This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps. Ted: I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp.
Trapper John: If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint. Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I think he has.
Vinny Gambini: [the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?
Dae-su Oh: [on receiving three chopsticks with his prison rations] All I could think about in that moment was the guy in the next room was eating with only one chopstick.
[first lines] Heroin Addict: Fuckin' deadly you are, man. Guy: Don't fucking... don't fucking go near that case. Heroin Addict: What? I'm just tying me laces, man.
Reporter: If he turns off the projector, you're liable to strand this, this Tom Baxter out in the world someplace. You want an extra guy running around?
The Wolf: You guys look like... What do they look like, Jimmie? Jimmie: Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks. Jules: Ha-ha-ha. They're your clothes, motherfucker.
Malcolm McDowell: Griffin? Griffin! Hi, how are you? Listen: the next time you want to badmouth me, have the courage to do it to my face. You guys are all the same.
Herbie Stemple: You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost.
[to a reporter outside the committee hearing] Herbie Stemple: You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.
