Quotes of: New-books Keyword

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Pa extended his paw as if to say, “I’m here, and I’m human.” What else could I do but say, “Meow.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Abraham Lincoln wrote a poem about me once. You might know it as the Gettysburg Address. Men with beards are romantic.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

We made love like my foot cramped up in the middle. That was the last time I tried to do a marathon session.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m invisible, and the only way to show you would be to not show you. My love can also be proven without proof.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I make love like a stampede of camels running down the hallway of the 14th floor of a hotel. That’s also known as hyperbole—and the 13th floor.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Virginia isn’t for lovers. Vagina is for lovers. Makes me wonder why there aren’t any for sale in any vending machines.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks