January 14, 2000, was my first time on stage, and I've been hooked ever since. I got discovered nationally in Seattle by the now-defunct HBO Comedy Festival, and that led to an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' and a path to a professional comedy car...
If we don't get gun-control laws in this country, we are full of beans. To have the National Rifle Association rule the United States is pathetic. And I agree with Mayor Michael Bloomberg: It's time to put up or shut up about gun control for both par...
The war on terror is the most insane and immoral war of all time. The Americans are doing what they did in Vietnam, bombing villages. But how can a civilised nation do this? How can you can eliminate suspects, their wives, their children, their famil...
Whether I'm reading a national publication or one of my local Chicago newspapers, I don't need to turn too many pages before I stumble upon another scandal. Not only do ethics violations deteriorate the public trust, but they also disrupt and undermi...
Nora Temple: Charlie! Charlie Winook and his family, Crawfish Island. Charlie's a prince of the Seminole Nation. His ancestors go back to the gods. He sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Tristan: You see this man? His name is One Stab. He's a venerated elder of the Cree nation. He's counted coup on hundreds of his enemies. He is our friend, and he is thirsty.
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state? Clark: No, sir, I don't. Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards. Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ... [pauses as Rusty walks away] Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way? Pimp: Fuck yo mama! Clark: Thank you very much.
Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children? Roy Walley: No.
Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh? Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.
Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain] Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio! Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkums needs a long walk and a bath. Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkums. Rusty: Dad he bites. Clark: Bite him back.
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark? Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside. Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it? Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Nick Naylor: After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he, too, could shoot college students.
[Playing "Pictionary."] Jess: "Baby talk"? That's not a saying. Harry Burns: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
When the National Security Agency recruited me, they put me through a day of lie detector tests. They found out all my weaknesses and immediately seduced me. They used the strongest drugs in our culture, sex, power and money, to win me over.
President Obama has outsourced a major portion of the U.S. space program to the Russians. That's national policy. Taxpayer money. So let's stop playing games with this outsourcing distortion and talk about the fact that when we need is a president th...
