Quotes of: Naming Keyword

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I went fishing. I didn’t catch a creature with scales, but I did reel in sheet music. It had scales, and was quite tasty.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If I had 31 minutes to live, I'd ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm always like that, rounding up and needy.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

She said I brought her nothing but sorrow. I replied, “Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Every individual is a meeting ground for many different allegiances, and sometimes these loyalties conflict with one another and confront the person who harbors them with difficult choices

In the Name of Identity: Violence and the Need to Belong

The devil is not the prince of matter; the devil is the arrogance of spirit, faith without smile, truth that is never seized by doubt. The devil is grim because he knows where he is going, and, in moving, he always returns from whence he came.

The Name of the Rose

The faith a movement proclaims doesn't count: what counts is the hope it offers. All heresies are the banner of a reality, an exclusion. Scratch the heresy and you will find the leper. Every battle against heresy wants only this: to keep the leper as...

The Name of the Rose

The outcast lepers would like to drag everything down in their ruin. And they become all the more evil, the more you cast them out; and the more you depict them as a court of lemurs who want your ruin, the more they will be outcast.

The Name of the Rose

Then we are living in a place abandoned by God," I said, disheartened. "Have you found any places where God would have felt at home?" William asked me, looking down from his great height.

The Name of the Rose