There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body to a better hiding spot.
I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to run this country into the ground from Washington DC.
For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society, of course.
I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his daily bowel movement.
Plagiarists, at least, have the merit of preservation.
Nature evaluates a character on the basis of its merits, not demerits.
I take every job on its merits.
On their own merits modest men are dumb.
It's hard to judge literary merit.
The merit of originality is not novelty; it is sincerity.
On my team, we prioritize merits over politics.
There's always merit to having a debate.
Evidently the merit depends on the result of the work.
I had a dream about you. You had four legs like a cat has four legs like a chair has four legs, and I was looking for a place to sit. Then you meowed at me, so I sat on your back and began reading a book about how to read a book.
I saw a sign from God, and it said, "Church starts at 8:00 am." I cried out to God saying, "I can't make it because that's too late. Eight am is two hours past my bedtime." I had no idea God was such a party animal.
Nothing in medicine is so insignificant as to merit attention.
Pride in boasting of family antiquity, makes duration stand for merit.
The power of fortune is confessed only by the miserable, for the happy impute all their success to prudence or merit.
Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit.
Immeasurable change is nobody's merit.
How vain, without the merit, is the name.
