I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.
A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.
I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?
it seems to me that the English aristocracy is not only the type, but is the crown and flower of all actual aristocracies; it has all the oligarchical virtues as well as all the defects. It is casual, it is kind, it is courageous in obvious matters; ...
My first encounters with faith came about the time I was a Boy Scout, at about 14 or 15. I made the logical deduction that they operate the same way; I treated my faith like earning a merit badge, and everything about Christianity was about earning m...
I think that issues of gender have been discussed widely at Harvard. But I think I was chosen clearly on the merits, and I wish to operate as president on the merits. I think, on one level, we might say that I can affirm that women have the aptitude ...
I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?
I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.
My girlfriend just had a baby. We've known each other for six months, so I'm pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!
Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.
Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.
Culpable obtuseness. He should know better. That's one reason why we don't use the a-word, for example, of little children. They can merit the s-word, because there's a malignity that's innate in little kids sometimes, but you can't merit the a-word ...
If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me to hand to you.
I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I'm like, What's the rush? I'm thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what's another ten years?
A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to me.
I'm a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don't know if he'd beat me or if I'd beat him, but I could guarantee that no matter who wins, I'd win.
My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share the same father, mother, or taste in food.
She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.
People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show up.
Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury my grandfather, before the cops get here.
I like to bunch words together to form new words, like "off" and "ice" to form "office." But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office even a real word?
