Quotes of: Merit Keyword

A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I couldn't decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

When she walked out of my life, I raced after her. I was scrambling like scrambled eggs that were runny.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

There is no particular merit in fighting for your own skin when you know that it is fight or die, but there is considerable merit in being prepared to die when you know you can escape quite easily. Put at its lowest, there is a certain stubborn foolh...

Shadow of the Moon

Today. the celebration is for the "victorious", not the meritorious. The depiction to the youth, is that one can be victorious without merit, and that merit is less notable than victory. The result, is the masses are selectively and passively affirmi...

Justin Kyle McFarlane Beau

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I'm not Martha proof—I'm merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I'm no gumshoe, but I think I have gum on my shoe. Either that or I'm stuck in place because I'm afraid to take the first step in a new direction.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I am the Hooray Distributor. Hold your hands flat, not like begging for money, but as if you’re about to applaud. Now clap, damn you.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that's how I came to tell the two apart.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You