I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.
Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.
Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.
A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?
People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.
Thank God for illegal products—because that’s where the largest percentages are made. Outlawing an industry immediately makes it a more profitable business to be in.
I am the Chosen One. I know, because I chose myself, myself. But to be fair, it’s not like there was another choice. It was either to be me, or not to be. And I chose selfishly.
I didn’t lose and let everybody else beat me so much as I made the race last. Last place means I had the most time to enjoy the experience.
Some people are born to be bronze medalists. And sometimes the only reason they get third place is because there aren't more competitors in the race to place ahead of them.
When you were in the hospital, dying, I called your mom. I didn’t tell her you were gravely ill, but we did have phone sex.
The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.
I’m afraid of my shadow, and my shadow’s afraid of the light. That’s why Noon is my best friend, and I hang out with him at midnight.
You can burn down the building, and I won’t interfere or criticize. I’ll just say, “Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.
I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?
In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.
The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.
Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?
When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.
If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.
I wear a wedding ring, though I’m neither married nor engaged. I do it to warn off predators like cougars. And grizzly bears.
For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.
