Quotes of: Long-gone Keyword

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Communism: If nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything, there’d be no reason to work for something, because not only could you not have it—but you’d already have it. 

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking. 

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge. 

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I could open my mail, but isn’t the mystery more fun? So you see, I’m not disorganized after all. I’m a romantic.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about. 

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

When I’m exhausted, I can sleep through anything. One time I slept though a wall—and there wasn’t even a door or opening.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Winter and spring blended together this year like ice in water, and I was left thirsting for love. I’d better lay off the saltine crackers.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I once saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I didn’t know infants could be terrorists. 

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Gain a person’s trust through numerous small acts of benevolence, so you can lose their trust in one large act of self-enrichment.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You