Quotes of: Long-book Keyword

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So can the other 10%—but that’s just the free sample part.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The beauty of the ocean, it takes your breath away. Especially if you’re underwater. She also took my breath away. She suffocated me with her love.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

When the gain is greater than the pain, I’ll be there, telling you how we can both profit from your productivity. That’s what love is about.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he is going around gathering political votes.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The political climate is stable, when you keep the ruling animals in a stable. I no longer vote for anything that can’t be ridden by a monkey dressed like a cowboy.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

This Book is Not FOR SALE