Quotes of: Library-book Keyword

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

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When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.

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I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

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If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

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On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

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Mannequin parts disassembled and discombobulated coming together for a good cause—to sell some clothes. That’s what charity is all about.

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Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just as sweet.

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Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

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In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.

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He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

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When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.

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The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.

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Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.

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I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.

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I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.

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I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I'm not a sellout. I rent.

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I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.

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I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.

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I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

This Book is Not FOR SALE